Are we officially in a "recession"? After all, if it walks like a recession. talks like a recession and quacks like a recession? But one nice thing is shopping during the holiday period -- smaller crowds and desperate retailers.
Me -- "Say, how much is this camera?"
Him -- "How much you willing to pay?"
Another nice thing is giving out gifts that cost me nothing at all. That's even better than eggnog and fruitcake -- gifts you usually can get back because nobody wants them.
Of course, some on my list have been naughty and some have been nice. Check it out:
*Arena Football -- A 2010 calendar.
*Kimbo Slice -- A night watchman job in a donut factory.
*Tiger Woods -- Good health.
*PGA Tour -- Tiger Woods.
*Usain Bolt -- Lifetime supply of Chicken McNuggets.
*Roger Clemens -- Don't know. I misremember.
*Eli Manning -- A 50-50 family split on commercials.
*Mike Vick -- DVD of Marley & Me.
*Detroit Lions fans -- A $25 billion government bailout. Not for the team -- for the fans.
*Big Brown -- A Belmont do-over.
*Barry Bonds -- Uh, who? Name doesn't ring a bell.
*Tampa Bay Rays -- A minimum of 5,000 more fans per game.
*Dwight Howard (right) -- One hundred consecutive successful free throws.
*UCF Football -- Harmony, health and happiness.
*NASCAR -- Shorter season & cheaper gas.
*The rest of us -- The cheaper gas.
*Serena Williams -- A sport we care about.
*John Daly -- Gift card from Hooters or AA.
*Notre Dame Football -- Relevance.
*Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- Instructional class on Heimlich Maneuver.
*Orlando's Miami Dolphin fans -- Justice.
*O.J. Simpson -- See "Orlando's Miami Dolphin fans."
Magic Superman trivia
The Orlando Magic are giving away Superman Dwight Howard T-shirts to everyone who attends their noon game against New Orleans on Christmas Day (that's Thursday if you really haven't been paying attention). The shirt is cool -- but what about your Superman knowledge? Are you worthy?
I suggested to the Magic that they make everyone pass the following three-question Superman trivia test before receiving a shirt. They said they'd get back to me but, oddly, nobody has. Anyway, here's the test (with correct answers in my little "sign-off tag" at the bottom of the page):
1. What is Clark Kent's middle name? (A) Kellogg, (B) Dwight, (C) Joseph, (D) Howie
2. What super-villain killed the Man of Steel in the comic book Superman #75? (A) Yao Ming, (B) Lex Luthor, (C) Doomsday, (D) Mike Bianchi
3. What is Superman's Kryptonian name? (A) H-Turk, (B) Jor-El, (C) Kal-El, (D) Shaq-El
Jets' headline heat
How bad will it be for the East Rutherford Jets, QB Brett Favre and especially Coach Eric Mangini if they lose to Miami (and QB Chad Pennington) Sunday, failing to make the playoffs? Good barometers are three back-page headlines by the area tabloids Monday:
*"Win or else!" -- N.Y. Post
*"Win or take a hike!" -- N.Y. Daily News
And my personal favorite for its subtlety:
*"Cowher Power" -- Newsday
Nobody asked but . . .
*Hooray! The dreadful remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still had a 68 percent drop in its Week 2 box office. The worst film I've seen since Battlefield Earth.
*What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Answer: Claustrophobic.
*ESPN the Magazine put Pittsburgh Steelers defenders on its cover with the headline: The Ball Stops Here. Uh, scoreboard, ESPN: Tennessee 31, Pittsburgh 14.
*Why is Christmas just another day at the office? Answer: You do all the work and the fat guy in the funny suit gets all the credit.
*After gymnast Nastia Liukin said she was the tallest member of the U.S. team at 5-foot-3, Bob Costas showed surprising humor by saying, "I consider that almost lanky."
*Which two bowl teams had opponents with the most combined victories against other 1-A teams? That would be Florida (79) and Oklahoma (78). More proof they got it right.
*Closing thought from brilliant humorist Erma Bombeck: "There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
